It was Saturday and I wanted some good coffee to fuel me before cardio at the gym. As I sit in a coffee shoppe that had morphed into my personal safe place since the beginning of the year, This Love by Housefires’ riveting piano introduction delicately possesses my earphones. This song has forever left a dent in my heart. Grab some snacks or perhaps some tea, because this song transported me to three years back.
Three years ago, I was fresh into my annual, beginning-of-the-year prayer fast. Prayer fasting is a discipline in the Christian faith that abstains from food for a period of time to focus on prayer. Methods have evolved throughout centuries and although abstaining from food remains one of its central focus, what I refrained from during this particular fast is dating. That’s right, in this fast, I was certain to take a chill pill in regards to my dating life. When you have to try too hard to find a relationship that would stick, usually, that’s when it doesn’t stick. And three years ago, I was trying way too hard.
Dead smack in the middle of my fast, a boy that I always had a crush on through my church circle miraculously hits the DM. Let’s call this boy, Jay. I replied to the DM because my flesh was weak and it was weak because I was avoiding sweets as well so obviously, my sweets-deprived flesh would give my phone number to this boy. Edible sweets were replaced by heart-melting, sweet texts from Jay every morning thereafter. Let me tell you- our texts got so freaking cute and I'm not even a texter. Jay’s texts were so charming that every blue bubble was delivered by butterflies and fairies and cute little bunnies themselves. You are a phenomenal woman of God. You are beautiful. Are you real? Where have you been all my life? You are magic. He would text Bible verses that blessed him that day. He was genuinely curious about my relationships with my friends and family. He would send me his recorded voice messages powerfully praying over me and my day. I was impressed and I was so hooked by this boy who seemed to check all the boxes in my “ideal partner” list. He loved the Lord- check. He read the Word and studied the Word exegesisticly- check. We had similar passions- music, style, and mentoring young people- check, check, check! He was in my eyes at that time, a blessing straight from God.
A week later through our lovey-dovey, roller-coaster texting journey, Jay asked me out on a date. My heart bursted into a million freaking baby doves and it took everything in me to tell him that a date would have to wait until the end of February. I was still in the middle of my prayer fast you know and I didn’t want any more distractions. “You are truly a phenomenal woman of God,” he texted sounding sincerely moved and happily waited for me until my prayer fast finished. In the mean time, our texting romance consistently continued until our very first date in the beginning of March.
On our first date, Jay did all the talking. He talked so much I literally could not get a word in. I remember rating our first date a 7 out of 10 that day but I was gracious, holding our texting chemistry that led to this date close to my heart. After our first date, he kept texting, asked me out on a couple more dates, and even brought me into his workplace and introduced me to his colleagues turned family. I was ecstatic and certain that Jay was the answer to my prayer fast. Jay’s pursuit of me was dreamy and was so exciting. But like in every roller coaster ride, anxiousness crept in. Jay started disappearing. Everyday texts turned into every other day to no texts at all, then a couple recorded voice messages here and there. Then out of nowhere, we would go on a date, then Jay was nowhere to be heard from again.
My grandma passed in the middle of Jay’s disappearing acts and I, together with my whole family completely shut down. Our Queen was gone and our world stopped. I wanted to turn, text, and cry to Jay but he was on silent mode while my family and I were grieving. God somehow gave me the will power to allow Jay to disappear- ceasing to text him even once, even just a text to see if he was alive (they always are, by the way). One promise that my fast made me realize is that God will bless me with a man who will completely pursue me like how God pursues me. No guessing, no insecurities, but with a love faithful to a relentless pursuit of my heart.
On one of the hardest day during my Grandma’s passing combined with confusion and disappointment from Jay’s ghosting, I was desperate to run to my safe retreat- my quiet time. My quiet time consists of going to a local coffee shoppe, journaling, Bible reading, worship music playing in my ears while savoring the best latte the coffee shop has to offer. I was in my quiet time feeling emotionally exhausted, confused, and heartbroken. My journal was calling me and I was ready to pour out my heart with a pen. This Love by Housefires suddenly played on my earphones and God had something to remind me.
“This love (God’s love) is an everyday kind of love. Every morning I’m in it.”
I am in God’s love every single day. Every morning, every night. In the midst of grieving from my Grandma’s death, I also grieved when the “good morning” texts stopped. I never dated any guy that was closest to what I thought God would want for me like Jay. Jay was the knight in a shining armor saving me in the middle of my prayer fast and I honestly thought he was it.
God does not know how and would never break my heart. God wakes me up every morning and if I listen, He reminds me that I am His own and I am in His love. And that reminder will never stop.
“this love doesn't leave me alone and it never forgets its own.”
Imagine a love that won’t ever leave you alone even at your best worst. I mean, isn’t that what our beloved love stories are made of? Love heroines that still shows up even when the woman is just all kinds of irrational or doesn’t really know what she wants or just feels too ashamed to be loved.
In my 33 years, today 34, I can testify that God never left me alone. Even in my denial of Him, even when I doubted Him, even when I was the worst person to love. He was still there. He continued to believe in me, accept me, and love all of me. He never left and will never leave me.
this love doesn't care if you don't think you can cut it!
it takes you away and it lifts you up! i
t gives you faith so you can lift your head and you can run real fast! and
you can feel his joy!
I’m 34 today and I still have days when I think I can’t cut it. I have days when anxiety caves my whole world in but His love always pulls me out. Courage and joy creeps in and I am restored again.
He sends music, He sends art, He sends relationships to pull me out from shame and hurt and that’s how He loves. Creatively, personally, and so undenyingly real.
Back to Jay. The Summer after Jay disappeared, God led me to my future fiancé, my Sweetheart. Sweetheart and I dated for three magical months and with prayer, we made our relationship official. It was Fall by then and somehow, a woman with a photo of her children and Jay came scrolling onto my IG feed. Long story short and with a little PI work from yours truly, Jay was dating this young lady while he was dating me. I’m only mentioning this to give you closure because I would need closure too if I were you, lol. But more importantly, I want to introduce you to my Sweetheart.
Sweetheart texts me every morning, prays with me, supports me in everything I do, builds a future with me, and builds a life with me that's centered around God. Sweetheart’s love is an everyday kind of love. He doesn’t leave me alone even at my worst and he’s never forgotten about me (yet), lol. Sweetheart’s love has a genuine and grounded depth. Sweetheart is more than what I want in a man, but everyday with him reveals that the man he is is also the man I need. Of course, I get the butterflies just knowing that he’s waiting outside my door before date night, but he gives me so much peace and so much security that I have never experienced before in a man. Obviously, Sweetheart is human and like me, he will make mistakes. But he reminds me that because of God, we both can make the cut, he lifts me in prayer when I can’t on my own, and he sparks so much true joy so Marie Kondo, I’m definitely gonna keep him around.
God is the Master Orchestrator. He composes every bad part of our lives and turns it into something so beautifully sound. I’m 34 today and just like last year’s birthday post, I still can’t help but to praise and give glory to my ever faithful God who keeps loving me with undeserved love and providing immeasurable blessings and another year to live even through all my bad moves.
I really feel led to say this last thing. Hey single, intelligent, ever beautiful, and powerful woman. First and foremost, you are holy, sacred, and beyond worthy on your own. This post is lengthy, but I hope you take away with you this one thing. There’s a love out there that's an EVERYDAY kind of love. You won’t have to guess, you won’t have to wonder if he’ll text back, or if he’ll disappear one day. There’s a love out there without anxiety and uncertainty, but produces peace, joy, and security. There’s a love out there that accepts the whole you and elevates your true self. I pray that you experience God’s love because I believe that in His love, you will learn that it’s the only kind of love you deserve from your future partner. No more, no less.
IS AN EVERYDAY KIND OF LOVE